Life has changed in God’s wisdom,
And I see, acknowledge, and understand it.
But acceptance is yet another thing.
I no longer have the constant pressure of public performance,
Yet the other night I dreamed about playing piano for congregational singing I woke up, smiling.
“I’ve only played in public since I was 13 years old. My fingers play by themselves. ”
Holiday pressures are nearly nonexistent this year,
I awoke again, another night, laughing in relief.
I was dreaming I was directing a really bad Christmas play.
(I must have written it myself)
God is teaching me He is doing what’s best.
It’s not time to really retire yet. I know I’m not done yet.
But God is reminding me now is my time for relaxation and rejuvenation.
I don’t know how long I can hold out.
I’ve already given into going back to writing one day a week,
I still feel guilty if I don’t practice every day, and excercise is becoming a must.
But little by little I have quit worrying about a schedule.
I always enjoyed Monday, but by Tuesday I was planning for Wednesday evening
And Thursday was nice but by Friday my thought were already turning to Sunday.
And now I am learning to do what I need to do when I have the emotional space.
Maybe God is letting me get this right before showing me the next step.
I just know I am grateful for what God has given me now.
The private life I’ve never had in a whole life in parsonages
Still seems odd to me as if what ever I do in private
Is not enough if it doesn’t benefit someone else.
But my joy when I finally learn to play piano just for me and God
And the closeness with God I find in quietness at home
Shows in my face and manner every time I leave my house.
And perhaps for now, actively waiting
In joy and spiritual and musical growth
Is the best for thing for everyone around me…. for now… “God let me know when….”
(I bet God just chuckled at me.)